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Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Follow up 


I got to go see my Dad this weekend. I had pancakes, cut the grass in the hot sun, and watched a bunch of movies. I got to hangout downtown a few evenings too. I feel somewhat better than last week, but I'm not out of the woods yet. I still need everybody's help, and I thank you all for what you've already done, seen or unseen.

Some pressing concerns at the moment: I've lost almost 20 pounds since school ended. That's too much. Also, I don't have a job yet, and have found looking for work extremely difficult. I'm planning on giving it another shot on starting Wednesday. I'm also going to start looking for help, something professional. I only hope it is affordable. I don't know how these things work. Rob is helping me get started.

Allie, I've begun planning my trip to the Island. I will likely arrive at Swartz Bay at 2:35pm. That's all I know. Step one: find $50 (to cover transportation, I won't have spending money). Step two: after acquiring funds, set a date. I will be in touch regarding this.

That's all for now. Forgive my self-indulgence with all of this, but I will (hopefully) continue to post updates. I'm hoping it will help me stop turning everything inside all the time. Until then, adieu and adios (I think they mean the exact same thing...)


"I like your pin shot
I keep it with your letter
Done up in blueprint blue
It sure looks good on you
So won't you smile for the camera
I know I'll love you better"

"Peg
It will come back to you"

Thursday, May 26, 2005

This weekend 


Dan, I'm not sure if I'll be around this weekend. I might be here for some of it, but I'll hopefully know more tomorrow. My Dad's going to Ireland for like a month, so I'm hoping to visit him before he goes.


"I hear her voice, in the mornin’ hours she calls to me
The radio reminds me of my home far away
And drivin’ down the road I get a feeling’
That I should have been home yesterday, yesterday"

"Country roads, take me home"

Tuesday, May 24, 2005


Dude, I've been praying like a maniac already. Seriously. I'm glad you wrote that post. It's good to know what's going on. Especially since I've been so busy and working these past couple of weeks. Here's something to chew on: Often the people who you think are your best friends, and the people who actually are your best friends are entirely different people. Take comfort in that. You're less alone in the world than you think.

I want to get out to Abbotsford this weekend.
And we shall hang out.

I Need Help 


I did something yesterday that I can't remember ever doing. It was a good thing, I think. I had a terrible experience yesterday, but when it was over, I immediately (well, after almost throwing up) called a friend. Thanks Moey; you've been great these last three weeks. I've been having a really rough go at it lately; the last two months have been extremely difficult. Those of you who know me know that I tend to retreat into myself. I don't seek help when I need it.

I am scared to write this post. I tried getting help. I went to my best friend just over a month ago, and now I've lost my best friend because of it. This has been an incredible blow to me that I have not recovered well from. I am scared, not because of being vulnerable, but because when I am, I have this incredible propensity for pushing friends away, as I've already mentioned. It has happened before, and I'm terrified it will happen again. I feel betrayed, though I am the one responsible for the betrayal. I'm scared that by writing this, I'm just going to push you all away as well. That's why I'm being purposefully vague, though I wouldn't be surprised if many of you knew exactly what I'm talking about.

I need help. I need your prayers. I've barely been able to look for work, so I am still unemployed. Today doesn't look like a good day either. I haven't been sleeping, and when I do get some sleep, it is restless, dream-filled, and fitful. I've tried going to bed early to no avail. I've tried staying up late to make myself tired, but in vain. I am incredibly shaken after what happened yesterday. I feel incredible alone and helpless right now. There is little I can do to take my mind off of all this. I have enough money to get by, for now, but not enough that I can do stuff, so I'm so often stuck at home, alone.

I am angry and jealous and paranoid, but those are the things that got me into trouble in the first place. They certainly weren't justified then, and though they are somewhat justifiable now, they don't help. I managed to push away those I was trying to draw near. I need help, because I am helpless. I need someone to take care of me, but I'm not 8 years old anymore. I keep thinking back to when my cousin used to sing me a song before bed when I was little and she was babysitting. I keep thinking back to when I got into a car accident, and when I got home, my ex-girlfriend (yes, we had broken up by that point) came over. She put me to bed, softly petted my head until I was lulled to sleep after a nerve wracking night. She deserves a lot more credit than I've given her in the past.

I've considered just packing up and going home, but nobody there understands me. The curse of being a Christian, I guess. Heck, people here barely get it. My best friend certainly didn't. I don't say this because I want your pity, or to make it seem like I'm the only one in trouble, or to make anyone feel bad. It's not that any of you wouldn't understand what I'm going through, it's just that we all deal with things differently, and I get the impression that I deal with things in a unique and all-together fucked up manner.

Some of you know that I went into counselling for a little while at the end of the school year last year. It was nice to be able to talk about things. It made me feel somewhat better. But he didn't get it. Maybe I explained it poorly, and that's because I often don't get what's going on, or when I do, I can't explain it properly. I guess I just needed someone to look into my eyes and just understand. But I guess I was asking too much.

I wish school was still in. It gave me something concrete to worry about, something to do. It made all of you be near me. And I know you can't be here. And I know things will never be the same. Many of us have completed an important chapter in our lives, and I'm ready to move on from that chapter as well. I'm just not liking the new one, I guess.

I am not a proud person, really. I know I can be arrogant, but that is an act that has become a habit. I used to think it was funny, and it was for awhile. You know, the "I'm never wrong" guy. It was all a joke, and everybody knew it. Now I just do it all the time; it's become a part of me. Besides that, though, the biggest bit of bullshit about all this is, though, is that as soon as someone steps in to help, as soon as forgivess is given and grace is shown, I become some sort of proud asshole who will have none of it. What kind of a prick does that, anyways?

I really wish someone was here right now. Josh has been working pretty much full-time the last few days, and Rob is certifiably missing, having not come home last night when he supposed to. I'd be worried, but I'm sure he's okay. Okay, well I am a little worried. Anyways, though. As much as I want someone to be here, I just want to be alone, and alone is the last thing I want. I want to sleep the hours away. I know that can be unhealthy, but I'd be happy with even sleeping away the 8 hours I think I deserve, the 8 hours that could be considered normal.

Anyways, please pray. I've so often failed my friends in prayer that I feel somewhat hypocritical asking for others to pray for me. But please. I have nothing. I am nothing.


"Another night slips away,
In other words I should say,
There are no words, he should say.
There are no words.
In his eyes I see the fear,
That only time could disappear.
If only time could reappear,
Now's the time."

"He'll realize the only thing that's real are the kids that kid themselves,
And the demise of the beautiful.
What is beautiful?"

Monday, May 23, 2005

Why are you up? 


Brrrring. Brrrring. The phone rang, to the surprise of everyone in the room. It seemed as if more people stood around the transmitter than all the people listening on the radio put together. No one was even sure anyone was out there. Was anybody listening? Did anybody care? But everyone who cared to listen made the trek to the small studio in Studio 314. Almost everyone.

Brrrring. The room was quite crowded. Two computers hummed in one corner, as several people argued what to do next. A rather slim man lay hurt on the ground, with three larger men were laughing and sitting on his chest and legs. His face was red from asphyxiation, but he would later be okay. One person had the presence of mind to pick up the phone before the voice mail kicked in. What kind of call-in show had a four-ring voicemail?

"Hello, why are you up?"

"I wanted to make a request," the lone listener, a woman, began. The DJ looked about the room and was reminded that all in his presence were male, 20-somethings acting like 8 year-olds, as a group of 20-somethings males were want to do in the wee hours of the night.

"Hello?" The sexy voice snapped the DJ's attention back to where it should be. Suddenly realizing how lonely he was for the company of a girl, he wished she could be here now. Whoever she was. On second thought, scratch that; he didn't want her to see him like this, horsing around in his underwear with a bunch of guys.

"Uhhh, sorry," the DJ apologized lamely, "what would you like to hear? I'll see if we have it."

"I'd like to hear 'The Lion Sleeps Tonight' please."

The DJ mentally perused the limited library of songs on the computer. It was a pitiful radio show, really. The call-in aspect was a complete joke; at least 95% of requests went unfulfilled. In fact, more calls had been received during last week's 'Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy' segment than all other calls put together. In the first ten minutes of the half-hour segment, more than a dozen calls were received, requesting that 'Hitchhiker's' be taken off the air because it was, how they boorishly put it, boring. That particular request was fulfilled, unlike this one.

"I'm sorry. We don't seem to have that song in our library. If you could send us a copy, we could properly oblige your request next time."

"Great. Just great. All I wanted was a little sleep. And if the damn lion can't sleep in the jungle, how the hell am I going to sleep tonight either? How is it that you take requests when you never have the -"

"Thank you for calling 'Why are you up?'" The DJ cut her off, then hung up. He was glad that the calls weren't on live radio, not that it wouldn't have made an entertaining 10 seconds for his one listener, who happened to be on the phone with him. Until he hung up on her, that is.

Momentarily feeling guilty, he said to himself, "It wouldn't have worked anyway. If she can bitch that much about one stupid song, she'd clean rip my head off if I made a mistake in a relationship. Note to self: radio is not a way to meet girls." Neither was the phone, as this young DJ would soon learn, but that is another tale for another day.

Random beatings with Monte continued in the background, unnoticed by the DJ. Instead, a song was stuck in his head.


"In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight
In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight"

"Near the village the peaceful village the lion sleeps tonight
Near the village the peaceful village the lion sleeps tonight"

"Hush my darling don’t cry my darling the lion sleeps tonight
Hush my darling don’t fear my darling the lion sleeps tonight"

Thursday, May 19, 2005

Revenge of the Sith Nerds 


So Josh and I decided last night around 8:30pm to go see Star Wars. There was a midnight showing at the theatre, and since we figured there would be lines, we left just before nine. The lines weren't the only thing that made us leave early. The theatre was 6.3km away (Josh keeps saying miles, being from Salmo and all). The walk to the theatre wasn't that bad, and there were almost no lines. We got great seats.

The problem, however, was the walk home. We didn't leave the theatre until 2:30am, and it was still over an hour to get home. So there we are, trudging along in the middle of the night, rain spitting, every late-night convenience store closed. By luck, we stumbled across a 7-11. I didn't intend on going that route, but it's a good thing we did. We finally made it home at 3:50am.

Was it worth it? Yes. Was it the movie the best ever? No. Not even my favourite Star Wars movie, but it was by far better than Episode I & II. My frail, exhausted little body didn't even threaten to fall asleep during the movie (though the trek home is a different story).

We kept trying to figure out who the biggest nerds were. For example: the girl with the Hebrew written on her hoodie, or the guy who could read it? Usually, people use foreign languages like that as a conversation piece, like on a tattoo or something so that someone will ask them about it. I am above that. I am a nerd.

The guys who have been in line for 4 hours, or the guys who walked over an hour? The kids standing around, looking cool and smoking cigarettes, or the guys playing crib with only 1 peg (and a cut up piece of stir-stick) and Star Wars Episode I cards? The guys who played Area 51 repeatedly and sucked (one guy shoots the barrels, the other guy shoots the aliens, geez guys), or the guy who watched them suck? Many of these are, for the record, things I noticed and didn't mention to Otto. So Josh, if you don't remember some of these conversations, you're not crazy.


"I met him in a swamp down in Dagobah
Where it bubbles all the time like a giant carbonated soda
S-O-D-A, soda.
The long-term contract I had to sign
Says I'll be making these movies till the end of time
With my Yoda."

"Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda
Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda"

Saturday, May 14, 2005


Sorry guys, we're not coming after all. But maybe you should all get together and come up here to see us!!! Wishful thinking, right?
Ha, I haven't been home to find your number to call you, but you'll figure out we're not going I guess...sorry!

Thursday, May 12, 2005

A Note to All 


Hey everyone!
Dan and I are TRYING to come down to Abbotsford this weekend (Sunday and Monday) to celebrate with everyone and have a bit of a party. I won't know until I see the schedule today...but maybe don't make any other plans until you hear back. We want to see everyone so much! That's all folks.

Monday, May 09, 2005


Dan, Sara-Lynn, my beloved friends. Congratulations! You're a lucky man, Dan. A lucky man indeed.

"For he's a jolly good fellow
For he's a jolly good fellow
For he's a jolly good fellow
And so say all of us
And so say all of us
And so say all of us
For he's a jolly good fellow
For he's a jolly good fellow
For he's a jolly good fellow
And so say all of us"

Friday, May 06, 2005


Congratulations Dan and Slynn!!!!!!!!!!!

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehahahahahaheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehooooooooooooooooo!!!!

05-05-05 


I'm sorry Donkers, but I can think of much better ways to celebrate the once in a lifetime event of 05-05-05. Like going out for breakfast at IHOP, for example. Or perhaps getting engaged. That would be my choice in the matter, if I had one.
Happy 05-05-05 to all!

(I know I'm a day late, but give me some grace...I was slightly preoccupied yesterday).

Thursday, May 05, 2005

Grand Opening 


Today I am going to the Grand Opening of Langley's new Casino with my friend Michelle.
I feel like I'm celebrating the birth of a new disease in my town. But there's free food, so it all works out.

I invented a saying last night:

"Life is like a monkey, sometimes it throws shit at you."

Wheeeeeeeeeeee

Upcoming Movies 


So, Land of the Dead is almost here. Can't wait for that. But when I was looking into the cast, I came upon a girl, Krista Bridges. I was just clicking on random names to see if anyone was local (and there are a few). I like to connect movies to each other, see what movies the no-names have done. Anyways, she may not have a picture on IMDB, or even bio info, but she plays a recurring character in the Left Behind movies, all three of them.

THREE? Yep. I had no idea, but sometime this year, Left Behind: World War III, will be released. Man, I feel so behind the times; I haven't even seen the first two. I guess I'd better get off my ass and hop to it.

On a happy side note, Simon Pegg is a zombie, and the guy who played Luigi in the Mario Bros. movie is in it too. Hehehe.


"That’s great,
It starts with an earthquake, birds and snakes,
An aeroplane
And lenny bruce is not afraid."

"It’s the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine"

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