The Legoland Convention

Everyone seeks attention in some form or manner. That's a normal thing, right?
I have always loved attention. Sure, when I was in situations that intimidated me I faded into the background so I wouldn't be noticed and receive negative attention.
But I've always loved the spotlight. Dramatic presentations, band performances, youth-led services...I loved it all.
I still love attention, but now it's somewhat different. I do not seek those situations that are so overtly obvious (for the most part). I guess I go about getting attention in a more subtle way. Still, I like attention. Is that bad? When it comes down to it, that's one of the reason we have friends. Sure, we have friends so that we can have a chance to give attention to others and pour out our love on someone, but those are the same people we go to when we need to be loved on.
So what am I getting at here?
I don't know. Sometimes I think I am selfish in wanting attention. And sometimes the way I go about getting it is probably more manipulative than it should be. It's something that is so ingrained into me. I don't know how to change it. Or even if I need to?
That's what is on my mind

So it's almost Christmas. Hooray. I have absolutely no desire to go home in two weeks. That's a whole other topic. Why don't I like going home? Is it just Courtenay? Or do I have hidden tensions towards my family? I do not really think that is the case. At the same time...I had to write this philosophy of ministry for a class. And this whole class is about being a pastor. Throughout the semester I have found myself becoming angry at certain points when we talked about all the responsibilities that a pastor has. I have always argued that we expect way too much from pastors. So I was thinking about it. And I think I may have some harboured bitterness towards my dad (who is a pastor). But it doesn't make sense. He was busy. But he had lots of time for us. He worked out of the home so that we would not have to be alone while my mom worked. Sure, he was stressed a lot, and I remember him not being very happy some of the time...but he was always there for us. More than a lot of other dads I know.
So what is the problem?
I was trying to figure out what I believe about ministry and family together. And I understand and agree that a minister needs to have his/her own family in order before dealing with other people and their problems. But how high of a priority should family be? Should it always be put above the people one is ministering to? I don't know if that is biblical. See, there's a dilemma. On one hand I'm slightly hurt that I got a bit of the shaft for my dad's ministry. But on the other hand, I'm glad he poured out his life for others...I think that's how it should be. I mean, so far I've turned out okay. I am not scarred for life or anything. I feel loved. I feel blessed, as a matter of fact. I guess I'm just trying to reconcile this whole issue with where I see my life going. Actually, I don't know where my life is going. I used to have it all figured out, but I'm not so sure now. But let's just say I one day have a family. Will I have to compromise my ministry for them? Is that okay? Am I okay with that?

I think one day I will need to write a book.