Thursday, January 22, 2004
Ah, to be but a simple soldier, a grunt who knows nothing but his orders. But, alas, 'twas not to be. The Christian soldier is anything but simple; he is a knight of the Most Holy God. Instead, however, I'm a kid in a man's suit of armour. Nevertheless, the bearing of such arms is not so weighty as the responsibility that comes with them. Can a boy like me be the brave knight I need to be? Doesn't one have to be a man to be a knight? How does a boy become a man? But if a knight I am, then I am but a rogue, a vagabond, with no standard to ride under or fight for.
I also think of becoming a father. Or a husband. I was fifteen when I decided I wanted to be married and have two little girls with curly blonde hair. But with great expectation comes fear and doubt. We all believe lies. Back in the day, I caught my girlfriend cheating on me, I caught her in the lie. I didn't just find out about it afterwards, but I actually caught her in her own lie. But I idolized her. When I was with her, I was a man, a warrior. I fought and died for her everyday in my own soul, just like a knight should for his lady. But when my honour was stained, I called her on it, and in reply, she not only lied to me, but at me. She attacked me with a lie that has stuck like a Morgul wound to the heart.
When I caught her, she said (and I believed it, and still do somehow), "I knew this would happen, you being a new Christian and all." She pinned my devastated soul on my new faith, and somehow her actions and attitudes were justified in this. Somehow, by her arbitrary decision alone, I was not worthy of being a man, a soldier, a knight. I wasn't worthy of the wounds and torments I had already suffered for her, in her place. And so I medicated myself with 4 years of Bible College, in hopes of solving this 'new faith' problem, and I hate how I have de-evolved from that state. I hate it. And so I drag myself away from battle, again. Armour dented, shield cleaved in two, but sword untainted with victory. There are no enemies left to fight, they've all left me for dead. I never asked for any of this.
"Check it out
What are you saying
What are you playing
Who are you obeying
day out day in?
Baby baby baby
That stuff is driving me crazy
DJs communicate to the masses
Sex and violent classes
Now our children grow up prisoners
All their lives radio listeners"
"I tried to sing along
But damn that radio song
Hey hey hey"
