Monday, July 19, 2004
Pirates
Avast! Speakin' o' pirates, thar be many thin's t' be discussed. First o' all Slynn, me beauty, congrats on joinin' pirate ranks, but unfortunately, lasss can't be pirates. I have been doin' some research into this issue, and it appears t' me that lasss be not pirates, but wenches. Now, many o' you out thar may be sayin' Arrr!, at this point, but this be not meant t' be insultin' or disrespectful in any which way, but you all know me, and usin' words appropriately and correctly be very important. It's kind o' like how all people be called 'man' in a general sense, but females be called 'woman' on a specific sense. However, all that aside, congrats again on joinin' t' Summit Pacific pirate crew, whatever your role may be.
Now listen up, land lubbers, September 19 be "Talk Like a Pirate Day" and we would all do well t' observe this. For more information, http://www.talklikeapirate.com. That be all.
"Most days are like all of the others,
Go to work, come back home, watch TV.
But, brother, if I had me druthers,
I'd chuck it and head out to sea.
For I dream of the skull and crossbones,
I dream of the great day to come,
When I dump the mundane for the Old Spanish Main,
And trade my computer for rum. ARR!"
"T'me, Yo Ho! Yo Ho!
It's "Talk Like a Pirate" Day!
When laptops are benches, God gave us wenches,
And a sail ain't a low price to pay!
When timbers are shivered and lillies are livered
And every last buckle is swashed
We'll abandon our cars for a shipfull of ARRRs
And pound back the old grog 'til we're sloshed. Yo Ho!
-Has anyone seen my keys?
-Just off the coast of Florida, matey! ARRR!
Don't pick up yer phone and say "Hello,
Your ten 0'clock meeting's delayed,"
Ye scrunch up yer face and ye bellow
"Avast! Ye've been bleedin' BELAYED!"
Ye can't keep all this fun to yourself, I bet
So sing "Aye," "ARRR," and "Ayy," every man!
We ain't got a grasp of the alphabet,
But a damn good retirement plan! (raucous laughter)
T'me, Yo Ho! Yo Ho!
It's "Talk Like a Pirate" Day!
Whatever's in fashion is in for a thrashin'
And bein' polite is passe.
When it's every man duty to grab his proud beauty,
And let out a hearty "Yo Ho!"
And if this offends you, hold your breath as we sends you
Ta Davy Jones Locker ya go
-Where is Davy Jones' locker, anyway?
-Right near Monkee Island! Arr, aye, arr...
We'll tell every banker, "Heave to and weigh anchor"
Buy latte with pieces of eight.
We'll fight to be chosen as Cap'n or bosun
The loser, o'course, is worst mate!
When we hoist Jolly Roger, the landlubbers dodge her,
We'll fill them with loathing and fear
We'll plunder and pillage each city and village,
Or at least clean out Wal-Mart of beer.
-Ahoy Mateys! Welcome ta "Iron Chef Pirate" Let's see the secret ingredient.
-Oh ho, thar be some cutting-edge cuisine
-Awwk! Awwk!
-Hold still, Polly! I need this for me salad.
-Avast there, me bucko! Ye need carrot shavings. CARROT!
-Hey, Cap'n, I be on Atkins.
-And you! WHAT are ye doin' with that salmon?
-I'm grillin' it on a hunk o'cedar, what d'y'think?
-Ye can't do that in a Japanese Stir-fry, ye bilge rat!
-Oh Ho! Ye never heard o' "wokkin' the plank?"
There ain't no computin' or mornin' commutin'
No "Parking Lot Full" signs for me.
No lawns to be mowin' or bills to be owin'
I'm knowin' the pull o'the sea.
The fresh salty brace of the wind on my face,
Through hurricane, sunshine, or squalls.
I'm keepin' my eye on the distant horizon,
Verizon can hold all my calls!
To wear a red coat full o'buckles
To earn a few duelling scars.
Well at least we can get a few chuckles
By filling the office with ARRRs!
And maybe we'll never get closer
Than watchin' them on the big screen.
So here's to old Errol and Depp as Jack Sparrow
And every damn one in between.
T'me Yo Ho! Yo Ho!
It's "Talk Like a Pirate" Day
That time in September, when sea dogs remember
That grown-up still know how ta play!
When wenches are curvy and dogs are all scurvy
And a soft-wear patch covers the eye
Ta hell with our jobs, for one day we're all swabs
And buccaneers all 'til we die!
So hoist up the mainsails and shut down your brain cells,
They only would get in the way.
Avast there, me hearty, we're havin' a party!
It's "Talk Like a Pirate" Day!
Yo Ho!
