The Legoland Convention

i want to have Christmas with my friends, the family i surround myself with.
i have had a few christmases alone, and am now, looking back, finding them superior to this being around family that i have never celebrated Christmas with before and fitting myself in. i have never been "one of the kids" at Christmas with this part of my family, but, often, at Christmas, people fit back into roles that they had as children. if i were in Burns, i would be doing the same, but i don't want to anymore.
perhaps it wouldn't be as bad trying to fit in with another family if that family was my boyfriend/fiance/husband's family. i hope i wouldn't always feel this odd about it. but then again, it's less like your a kid then, more like it's a rite of passage into aduthood? i don't know....
i like having things i do on Christmas.
i like going to a movie Christmas night.
i like remembering and reflecting on what Christmas is about, historically and personally.
i don't even mind working.
i don't like feeling obligated to be involved in things i have no desire to do.
i don't like feeling like a kid. because i'm not one.
it's not like this is all horrible. it's not as though i'm not grateful to have people to be around and how much they actually do care about me.
it's just...awkward.

i am looking just past Christmas to help get me through, to the 28th. the gala.

and i miss my friends.

i hope each of you understands what you mean to me. i thought about writing it all out here, but i'm not going to. but be warned that i might try to tell you. it's not scary or anything, but i get kind of, um, awkward and intense (those of you who have seen it-not very many of you, actually-know exactly what i mean) when i talk about things that are really important to me or mean a lot to me or involve my feelings, and telling you what you mean to me is all three.

next year, Sunshine, next year.