The Legoland Convention

I did something yesterday that I can't remember ever doing. It was a good thing, I think. I had a terrible experience yesterday, but when it was over, I immediately (well, after almost throwing up) called a friend. Thanks Moey; you've been great these last three weeks. I've been having a really rough go at it lately; the last two months have been extremely difficult. Those of you who know me know that I tend to retreat into myself. I don't seek help when I need it.

I am scared to write this post. I tried getting help. I went to my best friend just over a month ago, and now I've lost my best friend because of it. This has been an incredible blow to me that I have not recovered well from. I am scared, not because of being vulnerable, but because when I am, I have this incredible propensity for pushing friends away, as I've already mentioned. It has happened before, and I'm terrified it will happen again. I feel betrayed, though I am the one responsible for the betrayal. I'm scared that by writing this, I'm just going to push you all away as well. That's why I'm being purposefully vague, though I wouldn't be surprised if many of you knew exactly what I'm talking about.

I need help. I need your prayers. I've barely been able to look for work, so I am still unemployed. Today doesn't look like a good day either. I haven't been sleeping, and when I do get some sleep, it is restless, dream-filled, and fitful. I've tried going to bed early to no avail. I've tried staying up late to make myself tired, but in vain. I am incredibly shaken after what happened yesterday. I feel incredible alone and helpless right now. There is little I can do to take my mind off of all this. I have enough money to get by, for now, but not enough that I can do stuff, so I'm so often stuck at home, alone.

I am angry and jealous and paranoid, but those are the things that got me into trouble in the first place. They certainly weren't justified then, and though they are somewhat justifiable now, they don't help. I managed to push away those I was trying to draw near. I need help, because I am helpless. I need someone to take care of me, but I'm not 8 years old anymore. I keep thinking back to when my cousin used to sing me a song before bed when I was little and she was babysitting. I keep thinking back to when I got into a car accident, and when I got home, my ex-girlfriend (yes, we had broken up by that point) came over. She put me to bed, softly petted my head until I was lulled to sleep after a nerve wracking night. She deserves a lot more credit than I've given her in the past.

I've considered just packing up and going home, but nobody there understands me. The curse of being a Christian, I guess. Heck, people here barely get it. My best friend certainly didn't. I don't say this because I want your pity, or to make it seem like I'm the only one in trouble, or to make anyone feel bad. It's not that any of you wouldn't understand what I'm going through, it's just that we all deal with things differently, and I get the impression that I deal with things in a unique and all-together fucked up manner.

Some of you know that I went into counselling for a little while at the end of the school year last year. It was nice to be able to talk about things. It made me feel somewhat better. But he didn't get it. Maybe I explained it poorly, and that's because I often don't get what's going on, or when I do, I can't explain it properly. I guess I just needed someone to look into my eyes and just understand. But I guess I was asking too much.

I wish school was still in. It gave me something concrete to worry about, something to do. It made all of you be near me. And I know you can't be here. And I know things will never be the same. Many of us have completed an important chapter in our lives, and I'm ready to move on from that chapter as well. I'm just not liking the new one, I guess.

I am not a proud person, really. I know I can be arrogant, but that is an act that has become a habit. I used to think it was funny, and it was for awhile. You know, the "I'm never wrong" guy. It was all a joke, and everybody knew it. Now I just do it all the time; it's become a part of me. Besides that, though, the biggest bit of bullshit about all this is, though, is that as soon as someone steps in to help, as soon as forgivess is given and grace is shown, I become some sort of proud asshole who will have none of it. What kind of a prick does that, anyways?

I really wish someone was here right now. Josh has been working pretty much full-time the last few days, and Rob is certifiably missing, having not come home last night when he supposed to. I'd be worried, but I'm sure he's okay. Okay, well I am a little worried. Anyways, though. As much as I want someone to be here, I just want to be alone, and alone is the last thing I want. I want to sleep the hours away. I know that can be unhealthy, but I'd be happy with even sleeping away the 8 hours I think I deserve, the 8 hours that could be considered normal.

Anyways, please pray. I've so often failed my friends in prayer that I feel somewhat hypocritical asking for others to pray for me. But please. I have nothing. I am nothing.


"Another night slips away,
In other words I should say,
There are no words, he should say.
There are no words.
In his eyes I see the fear,
That only time could disappear.
If only time could reappear,
Now's the time."

"He'll realize the only thing that's real are the kids that kid themselves,
And the demise of the beautiful.
What is beautiful?"