The Legoland Convention

I love Jesus, Holly. I do.
It may not sound like much, because I'm the girl who has always loved Jesus, always loved being a Christian, always had it come easy...but it hasn't been that way lately. The last little while has felt so hard for me in so many ways. All the things that used to come naturally - praying, reading the Bible, going to church, loving people - have been work. I have hated doing them. I stopped praying. I stopped reading the Bible. I dreaded going to church. And I got so sick of people!
And I can't say it's all been miraculously "fixed" either. Lately I've been wanting to pray more. It wasn't that I was mad at God for anything in particular...I just didn't want to bother. I thought I had stopped loving Him, or believing in Him, or something like that. I still don't really know what was going on. I just didn't want to put out any effort at all. But over a period of time, I started to realize that I missed Him. It didn't just happen over night. As I look back right now, I don't even know when I began to see it. I just know that I started to miss Him. I missed trusting in Him. I missed believing in Him. I missed talking to Him. I missed Him. And that made me realize that I do love Him, greatly. For the first time in my life, I really felt that I really, really needed Him. I needed Him to make sense of this life that we live. Without Him, nothing means anything.
I can't say that I've come full circle though. I think I have more questions about God than I have ever had in my life. I have questions about how we are supposed to live as believers. I have questions about the future and eternity. I have questions about what God wants of us. I still don't want to go to church. Yet part of me yearns for it. I still feel silly praying, wondering if it really means anything. I have started reading the Bible again, but it brings more questions than answers. As for people - I still am sick and tired of them...especially Kelowna people. But then I read in 1 Corinthians about how we are supposed to be ambassadors for Christ - to bring reconciliation between God and people. It is kind of like a mission. And that makes sense to me. People won't know what to do with themselves, they won't know anything is missing...or what is missing, unless they are shown. And they won't know how to solve their problems. So that is one thing we can do.
I don't know if that helps at all with what you're feeling. That's just me and where I'm at.
I have three more shifts before I get a break. Or maybe less. My body is falling apart. I have this eczema break-out on my hands that is so painful that I can't fully outstretch my hands or make a fist. It's kinda gross. I'm really hoping that the doctor's tests come back that it is bacterial...then I can't work because it would be contagious. I'm just done.
I have two interviews this week. One is for this company called New Horizons Interactive. I don't really know what they do...you can look them up on the internet, but they do design for interactive media things - I don't know exactly. I think they're looking for a receptionist type of person. And they pay $13/hour. Right now, that sounds like the ideal job. I just need a break. Steady hours. Good pay. Some people interaction so I don't get bored. Ahh. But the other place I have an interview is with the Kelowna Boys and Girls Clubs. That also would be great pay. And awesome experience for my resume...and just in general. But I feel like it would be draining. And the place that is interviewing me is slightly out of town and a bit of a drive away. Yet she said that if I don't feel like I would fit for the programs they are hiring for there, my resume would be passed around to the other locations here in Kelowna. So that is a good opportunity. I'm trying not to be stressed. This eczema thing is often brought on by stress (that and too much soap and water on the hands...welcome to Starbucks). I just pray that after the interviews everything will be so crystal clear. I did pray that something would come up soon, because I was a little stressed about not knowing what was ahead. That prayer was heard. At camp we prayed for a girl and her mom who were homeless for a while. They found a house. So I think I should keep praying about things. As I said, I don't pray a lot, but when I do, I think something happens. That must mean something.
I can't wait to come to Abby. It's the only thing getting me through all this. These last two weeks have been so long! Be prepared for a super awesome time!!!! ( I really, really wish you were there Holly...it won't feel right not having you there...)
So there. I've posted.