The Legoland Convention

Does anyone remember me trying to goad Nigel into a fist fight or kicking over his keyboard in pure frustration? How about the time that I got Caleb so mad that he almost mashed my face in with an Ikea stool? I once believed that such incidents as these were a thing of the past, a measuring stick that allowed me to gauge how far I had come since my second year of school, when I had a huge chip on my shoulder and an attitude problem that defied normal human condition. I can even remember the day that I fully came to realize that I had a problem that was affecting not only my relationships with the people around me, but was seemingly cutting me off from God and what he had planned for my life. It was the first day of school in my third year, and I had taken my roommate and one of his friends out for pizza at Jays. While we were there, we met up with some guys from school, so I let one of the girls take my chair and I went and grabbed another one from another table. One of the guys then made a remark about how it was almost a shock to see me do something nice for someone. I know he meant it mostly as a joke, because everyone laughed, myself included, but it was the little bit of truth to that statement that stuck around with me. So, I decided to make a conscious effort to improve my attitude. I found someone to keep me accountable on my attitude and anger, as well as other parts of my life. I dove head first into my devotions and began rebuilding my relationship with God, and it was working, I could see a change in my life and it became noticeable to the people around me.
However, as of late I have found myself back in the same boat I was in during my second year. I see myself getting angry and irritated over little things, and I see myself verbally trying to damage relationships with people. I can also see that all this is bleeding in to my relationship with God. My devotions and prayer life have taken a very solid hit, and I know that at times it seems like I am so far away from Him that it would be easier to roll over and quit rather than persevere and work towards reconciling myself to Him. I guess when I think about it, I see these problems manifesting themselves throughout this entire last year. It was evident in the way I handled problems, in the way I spoke to my friends, even in the way that I wasn't able to let hurts go, and carried unforgiveness toward certain people in my heart.
I probably would have been able to sweep all this stuff under the rug, and been able to pretend that nothing was wrong, but like that night at Jays, something has prodded me to self examination and the fact that I need to shape up or ship out. You see, today at work I was pulled aside by the manager, who told me that there had been some complaints from customers and other staff about how I was dealing with people, and that I seemed to have an attitude problem that was causing offense to people. I was given three options, I could either a) Work on my attitude and try and improve it, b) quit right then and there or c) be fired if this trend continued. My first thought was to quit and throw in the towel, but I caught myself. I know that the manager didn't have to offer me any choices, she could have just let me go, no questions asked, but we are also friends outside of work, and she wanted to either let me leave with my dignity intact or to be humble and acknowledge that I have to change. I chose the unbeaten path and am sticking it out, with the knowledge that my attitude has to improve. It won't be easy, because even though I have been down this road before, it wasn't easy the first time, and trying to deal with the same issue a second time probably means that I have to go deeper with myself and with God and try and pinpoint some root causes that I have to deal with. So I ask for you to keep me in your prayers, and for those who see me on a semi-regular basis to keep me somewhat accountable, because left to my own devices I will crash faster than a drunk driver at a Nascar race.

Happy Birthday Moey.
I love you

has anyone read any good books lately that they could recommend to me? not deep, philosophical, make-you-think books...just something lighthearted and enjoyable for a vacation.

I tend to think that life is about security, that when you have a full year's rent, you can rest. I worry about things too much, I worry about whether or not my ideas are right, I worry about whether or not people like me, I worry about whether or not I am going to get married, and then I worry about whether or not my girl will leave me if I do get married...There doesn't seem to be any science saying any of this stuff matters at all. But it feels like it matters, whatever it is; it feels like we are supposed to be panicking about things. I remember driving down I-45 a few months ago and suddenly realizing the number of signs that were screaming at me, signs wanting me to buy waterbeds, signs wanthing me to watch girls take off their clothes, signs wanthing me to eat Mexican food, to eat barbeque, backlit, scrolling signs wanting me to come to church, to join this gym, to see this movie, to finance a car, even if I have no money. And it hit me that, amid the screaming noise, amid the messages that said buy this product and I will be made complete, I could hardly know the life that life was meant to be...Nobody stops to question whether they actually need the house and the car and the better job. And because of this there doesn't seem to be any peace; there isn't any serenity. We can't see the stars in Houston anymore, we can't go to the beach without stepping on a Coke bottle, we can't hike in the woods, because there aren't any more woods. We can only panic about the clothes we wear, panic about the car we drive, sit stuck in traffic and panic about whether the guy who cut us off respects us. We want to kill him, for cryng out loud, and all the while we feela need for new furniture and a new television and a bigger house in the right neighborhood. We drive around in a trance, salivating for Starbucks while that great heaven sits above us, and that beautiful sunrise is happening in the desert, and all those mountains out West are collecting snow on the limbs of their pines, and all those leaves are changing colors out East. God, it is so beautiful, it is so quiet, it is so perfect. It makes you feel, perhaps for a second, that Paul gets it and we don't - that if you live in a van and get up for sunrise and cook your own food on a fire and stop caring about whether your car breaks down or whether you have fashionable clothes or whether or not people do or do not like you, that you have broken through, that you have shut your ear to the bombardment of lies that never, ever stop whispering in your ear. And maybe this is why he seems so different to me, because he has become a human who no longer believes the commercials are true, which, perhaps, is what a human was designed to be.

Donald Miller,
Through Painted Deserts

Also, this is the first year in a long time that you've been on a boat, and your job is based on boats. Maybe that's not it, but maybe its a bit of a trigger. This is a big year with a lot of reasons isn't it? I miss you.

This is my 21st Father's Day without a father.
Though never a huge celebratory day for me, I cannot remember a year when it has bothered me as much as this year.
Maybe it is because it is my first year without a grandfather.
Maybe it is because I am so isolated out here.
Maybe it's all the drugs I'm on.
But today I am sad.

That is all I wanted to say for now.
Oh, also keep an eye on www.blindchannelsummer.blogspot.com

I absolutely love my new job. Sure, I've only had two training shifts, but something about it seems so right and I came home both times feeling so excited and passionate about what I was doine. Last night I even worked an 11pm-7am shift. And most of it was cleaning (5 bathrooms at that) and I still loved every minute. I love the home. I love the women I've met so far. I love everything that we do (even if it is intense and way beyond my naive worldview). I feel like I have entered something that is going to stretch me and teach me so much, yet is so right for me. I don't think it will be easy. Part of it freaks me out (doing room checks every hour during the night to ensure that everyone is indeed breathing). Part of it makes me so sad (women come straight off of the streets...high, drunk, detoxing, homeless, you name it). Yet I feel like I am walking into a dream come true. It may only be for a time, but for right now everything feels so right. I'm the youngest staff member I've met so far. I'm by far the most naive and stupid. But I'm passionate. And they hired me. And they all want to help me. It's such a cool feeling. Wow!