The Legoland Convention

One, one thousand.
Two, one thousand.
Three, one thousand.

Oh what a great movie. Not that I've watched it lately. Anyhow, just saying hi, and here's hoping I'm back in Internetland. I hate how dependent I have become on it, but without it, I am an island, and nobody likes Islanders. Uh, um, I mean...

So, I figured this was more polite and efficient than calling you all in the middle of the night, especially since I have nothing to say other than hi. Those without Call Display would be surely right pissed off. So, Hellos and Goodbyes, hugs and kisses, handshakes and hugs, horseshoes and handgrenade to all of you.


"You say yes,
I say no.
You say stop
and I say go go go."

"You say goodbye and I say hello"

i have postponed my trip.
call it what you will, i am not comfortable travelling on my own to a country that canada has upgraded it's travel advisory. i pretty much know that everything is, will be, and would be fine, but i am choosing to err on the side of caution.
and it is just postponed. i have a credit with air china, and will go sometime within the next year.
this is kind of empowering, choosing this. i am, of course, disappointed. but it is my choice, i am not a victim of circumstance. i am making an informed decision, and even if thailand gets a new prime minister tomorrow, and everyone is happy and everything is fine and canada steps down its warning, i will still be fine. my choice.
so, don't cry for me too much. but do feel free to call.
i am staying in burns lake for a while now. i don't know exactly how long. but i'm going to take advantage of what i can while i am here. this place is not all bad. even in the winter.
i'm sorry i didn't write everyone a personal email, i just don't like the computer that much.

It's 5:23am. I am so close to being done, yet it seems so far. Today was such a long day. I had my last shift at Starbucks. I said no to the selter night position job. I said yes to the web interactive site job. I went to the doctor (for the 4th time this week). I found out that I do, indeed, have a bacterial infection and that it is not just eczema like the doctors all said. I started taking strong antibiotics (because apparently I have a bad case...really? i could have told you that 3 days ago) and tylenol 2 for the pain. I slept for 2 hours. I came to the sheler and cleaned for 5. And now I am killing the last 3 hours before I get to go home, to my bed. Ah, what a glorious thing that will be. I was going to write more. My brain is too fried though. So I think that is all I shall say.

Did I mention I got new glasses? They're Vogue. And they're hot.

I also love Jesus. And very fine cheese, but in a different way.

I love Jesus, Holly. I do.
It may not sound like much, because I'm the girl who has always loved Jesus, always loved being a Christian, always had it come easy...but it hasn't been that way lately. The last little while has felt so hard for me in so many ways. All the things that used to come naturally - praying, reading the Bible, going to church, loving people - have been work. I have hated doing them. I stopped praying. I stopped reading the Bible. I dreaded going to church. And I got so sick of people!
And I can't say it's all been miraculously "fixed" either. Lately I've been wanting to pray more. It wasn't that I was mad at God for anything in particular...I just didn't want to bother. I thought I had stopped loving Him, or believing in Him, or something like that. I still don't really know what was going on. I just didn't want to put out any effort at all. But over a period of time, I started to realize that I missed Him. It didn't just happen over night. As I look back right now, I don't even know when I began to see it. I just know that I started to miss Him. I missed trusting in Him. I missed believing in Him. I missed talking to Him. I missed Him. And that made me realize that I do love Him, greatly. For the first time in my life, I really felt that I really, really needed Him. I needed Him to make sense of this life that we live. Without Him, nothing means anything.
I can't say that I've come full circle though. I think I have more questions about God than I have ever had in my life. I have questions about how we are supposed to live as believers. I have questions about the future and eternity. I have questions about what God wants of us. I still don't want to go to church. Yet part of me yearns for it. I still feel silly praying, wondering if it really means anything. I have started reading the Bible again, but it brings more questions than answers. As for people - I still am sick and tired of them...especially Kelowna people. But then I read in 1 Corinthians about how we are supposed to be ambassadors for Christ - to bring reconciliation between God and people. It is kind of like a mission. And that makes sense to me. People won't know what to do with themselves, they won't know anything is missing...or what is missing, unless they are shown. And they won't know how to solve their problems. So that is one thing we can do.
I don't know if that helps at all with what you're feeling. That's just me and where I'm at.
I have three more shifts before I get a break. Or maybe less. My body is falling apart. I have this eczema break-out on my hands that is so painful that I can't fully outstretch my hands or make a fist. It's kinda gross. I'm really hoping that the doctor's tests come back that it is bacterial...then I can't work because it would be contagious. I'm just done.
I have two interviews this week. One is for this company called New Horizons Interactive. I don't really know what they do...you can look them up on the internet, but they do design for interactive media things - I don't know exactly. I think they're looking for a receptionist type of person. And they pay $13/hour. Right now, that sounds like the ideal job. I just need a break. Steady hours. Good pay. Some people interaction so I don't get bored. Ahh. But the other place I have an interview is with the Kelowna Boys and Girls Clubs. That also would be great pay. And awesome experience for my resume...and just in general. But I feel like it would be draining. And the place that is interviewing me is slightly out of town and a bit of a drive away. Yet she said that if I don't feel like I would fit for the programs they are hiring for there, my resume would be passed around to the other locations here in Kelowna. So that is a good opportunity. I'm trying not to be stressed. This eczema thing is often brought on by stress (that and too much soap and water on the hands...welcome to Starbucks). I just pray that after the interviews everything will be so crystal clear. I did pray that something would come up soon, because I was a little stressed about not knowing what was ahead. That prayer was heard. At camp we prayed for a girl and her mom who were homeless for a while. They found a house. So I think I should keep praying about things. As I said, I don't pray a lot, but when I do, I think something happens. That must mean something.
I can't wait to come to Abby. It's the only thing getting me through all this. These last two weeks have been so long! Be prepared for a super awesome time!!!! ( I really, really wish you were there Holly...it won't feel right not having you there...)
So there. I've posted.

Can someone who still loves God and isn't bitter towards him please call me? I'm just feeling so frustrated here. Its like there was a big party, but then it was all less fun and people left. I feel like I'm that girl trying to convince everyone that sticking around is worth it. Why are so many people abandoning ship when things seem tough? I've been alright here, but there's so much Godlessness in so many people who had at least met God and been on a first name basis with him. Life is so different here compared to Jesusford. I'm feeling alone. Even with the churchies. Its hard, because I don't want to be in my old church and my mom thinks I'm all liberal now that I don't adhere to all Pentecostal theology. like I'm a pot-head, homosexual loving hippie. As though many of the friends that I've had has been because I don't care about God's laws or obedience to him. I'd forgotten that here we all only spend time with those who are like-minded. Leave the sinners to themselves. it sounds horribly bitter, but its not. Mom mom loves people deeply - all people no matter who they are. She's even more accepting than I am, especially since she's so optimistic about the churchies themselves. I hate that people judge so freely here. I have Gay friends. That doesn't mean I'm gay. That doesn't mean I think their life choices are God's intent. Why are the pregnant girls in high school so acceptable and in need of help? How come sins are on a sliding scale depending on which person you talk to. Why am I seen as someone who is willing to throw away God's laws to pretend that Grace is like some sort of spam mail that everyone gets so easily. I need people to call me.

I too am glad. I shall post soon. When I have something more to say. I'm on a 13 day stretch of work right now. I know it's not that bad (I don't know how you did it Moey), but it has been stressful and back to back shifts with the shelter and Starbucks, and I will be so glad to be done. 4 more days...

Man, it's good to see this blog back in use. Moey, I'm excited to see you when you come. Our house is still rather disastrous, but it's good. I don't have a bed yet.

Holly, I hope things all worked out with UNBC. I'll call you sometime. Seriously.
There's much to discuss. Wheeeee.

Setting:
a dark bar, with only a few people milling. Bouncer at the door is tatooed and pierced, yet good looking and casual. a dance/techno version of AC/DC thunderstruck is playing in the background. Its too early for people to be drunk yet, so people are alert and coherent. No one is dancing.

I come towards the front door and hot bouncer. There's a group of people outside smoking. I look over and see Sarah, Samantha's little sister in the group.
"Sarah!". She looks over, pauses-confused. "Oh, my God, I totally didn't even recognize you! Holly-Anne!". She leans over for a hug (she's about 6 feet tall). "This is my roomate Carmen". A tall blonde who's drunk too early looks over pleasantly. "Nice to meet you" we shake hands and I see trouble in her already too low tube top. "Samantha's inside at the back on the right side". I say thanks then wonder as I head towards the door 'do I need money, is there a cover charge? Am I cute enough to just sneak by?'. A girl is leaning towards the bouncer, flirting. I make eye contact, smile and breeze in. Later I find out, its pretty hard to get in. Being early helps.
I move towards the back of the bar and see Samantha standing and waving. Damn I love this place. Her and Zoe have been waiting for a while. I haven't seen Zoe in about four years and she's as cool looking as ever. She's tall and thin, yet somehow always manages to look curvy in a stream-lined sort of way. Her face is more angular and she's an adult now. Shit, me too. Its amazing to see her really. I've kind of been in awe of the things that I've heard her doing. She's travelled a ton, met an English guy and lived with him for a couple of years. Now she's in town for a bit to visit before she moved back to London. We stand and hug and everyone talks about then.
Mike hasn't come yet. He was one of my first really close guy friends. The type who you could hug all of the time and feel safe without feeling like he was trying to drain you of emotions, or cling to you. Now sometimes I feel like that's what hugs do. His hugs were always for you, not him. He grew up in a logging family where the men were comfortable enough being men, that they could be affectionate and still seem so strong. He was a good kid, then starting making some real bad decisions about life. I've always wished that we could have dated, but his life decisions and lack of asking me out kind of hindered the process. Also, he cheated on my best friend so there's that. I wonder what he's like now.
Samantha calls Mike to see if he's coming. It turns out that by now a line up is too long outside to get in. Sarah goes and sneaks him in. She's good that way, she's fun and runs the show at the same time. Mike comes in, looking the same but older. We hug and nothing has changed, except apparently for his life decisions. Time passes and we all talk. then Mike leans over to me.
"I have something that I've never told you."
I get a little excited over the prospect that there had been a secret I never knew.
"On Valentine's day in Grade 11 I drove out to your house when you lived at Ness Lake with Flowers. I walked up to your door. Then I chickened out, I didn't even knock or anything. I just turned around, got back in my truck and drove home. My mom told me that she thought I'd chicken out."
In my head I mildly freak out thinking of what could have been, or maybe how badly things would have ended. his bad life started in Grade 12. I know I couldn't have saved him, but still that regret lingers
"Mike, you should have"
"I've thought about it and No, I don't think that would have been good. You shouldn't have dated me. I was such a Dickhead". I'd rather you get to know me now.
I wonder how its possible that six years can change us so much, but we can talk like nothing is awkward.
"What are you doing tomorrow?" He asks.
No Plans, why?"
I'd like to take you to lunch"
I really like the idea of cathching up, free food and hanging out with a new/old guy so I of course say yes
.........

Here is a list of feelings I am having regarding leaving Blind Channel Resort:
Fear
Trepidation
Excitement
Joy
Anxiousness
Panicky
Sad
Frustration
and so many other things I can hardly describe it.

I have been on this island for 3 months. I have worked everyday, doing the same thing everyday, for just about 90 straight days. I don't know anymore if I can function elsewhere. i don't know if I want to. I mean, I know I want to...ultimatly I'm dying to get out of here. But this place is so surreal. It is not the real world. It is impossible to explain to anyone who hasn't been here or somewhere like it. Living and working with the same people all the time, always being here (no matter what), working EVERY day, people coming on boats (it is so hard to explain boat people, i think Donkers might get it), the isolation. I haven't heard a cell phone ring, seen a car, seen a group of more than 20 people at a time, been anywhere but here, in 3 months. I can practically feel my social skills dwindling. Yet, I kind of like it. I don't know if i want to live in a city again. I know I don't want to live anywhere quite like this again, but I do like smaller communities...

anyway, I'm rambling, and likely not making much sense. This all to say, I am a little nervous about coming back to the real world. This most likely has something to do with not having anywhere particular to go, knowing that I am a transient for a month before I go to another continent and be a transient there for a while. I have no security right now. Which is fine. But it is hard to "go home" from a place like this, when you have no home to go to.

So, on Tuesday, I am coming home to the home I have. My friends.

See you soon.

(and yes, Holly, I am coming to see you too)