The Legoland Convention

I love MASH too! Which is funny since as we all know, war and I do not mix well when it comes to the t.v. However, MASH I like. Who couldn't love Allan Alda?! I also flip by, and am sad to say have actually seen "The Simple Life". Yikes! I have a million thoughtful things to say and share, yet now as i sit to write they have flitted out probably on their way to have a terribly cold snowball fight in my drive way.
Oh- Bryan, Wendy from Peter Pan would definitely be on my top 5. I know she was a cartoon and all, but I'd still pick her.

i love you guys

"Can I have your autograph, he said to the fat blonde actress".

I make no apologies. I love MASH (middle seasons, with Trapper, Frank, Col. Blake and Radar still present, but with Klinger in the picture). It has just the right combination of army, nurses, and comedy, all the while presenting moral issues. I mean, seriously, the 4077 was just an interesting place.

But what I've noticed (actually, credit must go to another, whom I cannot remember, but I do concur on this) is that whenever I need to choose a show to watch on TV, I'll let MASH go by like 50 times on the listings, leaving me to contemplate shows like "The Simple Life" and Britney Spears on MuchMusic. How can I love a show that much, then still pass up on watching it? It makes no sense.

Also, tell me if this is odd. I'm watching 4 episodes of Star Trek today, one from each series (that's not the odd thing). The thing is, I've been thinking about this one TOS episode for some time, it just keep popping into my head, and that's the exact episode that happens to come on. Isn't that strange? I love being a nerd.


"You're trying my shoes on for a change
They look so good but fit so strange
Out of fashion so I can complain"

"You came in with the breeze, on Sunday morning."

Sara
you can do it

Andrew
I respect you very much

Post
Top Five little girls in movies
in order of excellance
1. Anna paquin from the piano
2. Cindy loo who from the grinch
3. sarah from the little princess
4. the blonde girl from remember the titans
5. the little hobbit girl/human girl from the fellowship of the rings and return of the kings (how did she get in both movies)

It's sad that, on my last day, it was up to me to speak into young Wyatt's life. He needs someone to pay attention, a man to show him affection and discipline. That can't be me, I'm leaving. Who will take up the standard?

Sadly, probably no one. So I lent him a Hardy Boys book. What else could I do? Where have the world's real men all gone? I hope I turn out to be one of them.


"And it's all your fault
I screen my phone calls
No matter-matter-matter-matter who calls
I gotta screen my phone calls"

"Sorry I'm not home right now, I'm walking into spiderwebs."

So I just figured out today that the lesson I've been learning so far this year has been patience. Big time! I don't know why I didn't realize it before. It's a lot easier to handle things when you know there's a purpose behind them. But man, patience is so hard sometimes. Like, seriously, why can't we always get what we want, when we want to get it. Really!

I've had so much on my mind lately. With all this Christmas gifts and stuff, I've been re-realizing how much I just want a life of simplicity. Stuff just gets in the way so much. But it seems like simplicity goes against the very culture we live in. And it's so easy to get caught up with stuff. Yet this is one area I do not want to settle in. Especially because of the kind of ministry/lifestyle that I want to be living. Like, if I do end up helping street people and addicts, I would feel like such a hypocrite to be living in a luxurious house while they had next to nothing. I just can't reconcile the two. I guess I've just been feeling lately like I really want to hold on to the dreams and ideals that I do have for my life. Even living a life of ministry...like, what will that look like for me? Is is possible to fulfill the dreams that I have? Some of them seem impossible to actually live out with everything that I want to do...yet above all I don't want to give up on those dreams. I'm sure they won't turn out like I actually expect them too...but still...I want to live them out however I can. Part of this has to do with me being a girl. A girl wanting to be a full-time minister. I know it's possible...I've seen people do it. But I sometimes I doubt that it is possible. Mainly because of wanting to be married and have a family someday (yes, I admit it's true). Not many girls do that and are fully involved in ministry. I believe deep within that I can do it...but I do have my moments where I just need some reassurance. So that's where I'm at lately.

maybe dissappointment only lies in the expectations one has of others?

secondary question: how do you set these expectations low enough?

Okay guys...this morning I heard the coolest sermon in the world at church! It's a take-off on Dr. Seuss and it is so cool. I had to share it with you guys...it was so great. I wish you could have heard it. It was great. He just sat on a stool like he was telling a story and wore on of those tall red and white hats. Anyways, I got a copy, so if you feel like reading it, here it is.


BIG LIGHT, LITTLE LIGHTS
(With apologies to Dr. Seuss)

“So when Mary and Joseph came to present the baby Jesus to the Lord as the law required, Simeon was there. He took the child in his arms and praised God, saying, ‘Lord, now I can die in peace! As you promised me, I have seen the Savior you have given to all people. He is a light to reveal God to the nations, and he is the glory of your people Israel!’” - Luke 2: 28-32

CHAPTER ONE – BIG LIGHT

The light has come the light is here
To shine on those both far and near
It shines on those all alone
It shines on those not fully-grown
It shines on those who cannot walk
It shines on those who like to talk
It shines on poor and rich folk too
It even shines on me and you

This light shone bright upon the earth
That’s why we celebrate His birth
We celebrate God’s only Son
We celebrate He makes us one
We celebrate our sins forgiven
We celebrate our home is heaven
We celebrate so we can show
God’s gift is whom the world must know

This light is God who came in flesh
He came to save us from our mess
He came to save the thief and drunk
He came to save the righteous monk
He came to save the prostitute
He came to save the corporate suit
He came to save the world you see
And that included you and me

This light shone bright, this light shone clear
To show us love and free from fear
To free from sickness and from pain
To free us all to live again
To free from feeling all alone
To free the weight that makes us groan
To free from guilt and sense of loss
He did it all upon the cross

This light that came He is the way
And for our sin the price did pay
The price he paid was very high
The price demanded someone die
The price was one we couldn’t keep
In our sin we were to deep
The price His sinless life did meet
And in His death sin met defeat

This light will come to those who seek
He comes to those not proud, but meek
He comes to those who turn from sin
He comes to those who ask Him in
He comes to those who know they’re lost
He comes to those who count the cost
He comes to those who to Him cry
That’s why He came to live and die

This light is life, the Bible says
His life that guides us in our ways
His life will guide in valleys deep
His life will guide on mountains steep
His life will guide when we’re unsure
His life will guide when ours a blur
His life will guide our whole way through
But only when we ask Him too




“You are the light of the world--like a city on a mountain, glowing in the night for all to see. Don't hide your light under a basket! Instead, put it on a stand and let it shine for all. In the same way, let your good deeds shine out for all to see, so that everyone will praise your heavenly Father.” - Matthew 5: 14-16

CHAPTER TWO – LITTLE LIGHTS

This light that came tells us to be
Lights like Him, for all to see
Lights that shine out bright and clear
Lights that send out love not fear
Lights that push the darkness back
Lights that cut each other slack
Lights that live and walk in grace
So others see the Father’s face

This light that came He came to show
How we’re to live and love and grow
To live for others not for self
To live on less and share our wealth
To live for justice, truth and life
To live with others free from strife
To live so others know what’s right
And live so they can see God’s light

This light we have for all to see
It does not come from you and me
It does not come because we’re great
It does not come from family trait
It does not come from so-ci-ety
It does not come from religiosity
It does not come from education’s part
It comes when Christ lives in our heart





His light within let it shine out
So others know, there is no doubt
No doubt that you belong to Him
No doubt that you’re set free from sin
No doubt that He lives in your heart
No doubt He gives you a fresh start
No doubt that when you do good things
Those who see, His praises sing

This light of mine, I’ll let it shine
At work, at school at home a sign
A sign that Jesus is the way
A sign that He the price did pay
A sign that says there is good news
A sign no matter what their views
A sign that they can be set free
Just like you and just like me

So shine your light to let them know
The Light has come the path to show
The path to peace and hope and love
The path to God who is above
The path to joy and life supreme
The path about which they dream
The path that leads to being free
From sin and Satan’s tyranny

The light has come the light is here
To shine on those both far and near
He shines through me, He shines through you
He shines in everything we do
He shines to show the lost the way
He shines in everything we say
He shines to let the whole world know
His love for them, let’s let it show


By Pastor Ron

How did you get snow and we got missed?

I love snow! I've been waiting for it to snow for ages!
Bah! Oh Vancouver Island...how I love thee...let me count the ways...
Ferries that go on strike
Snowstorms that pass you by
Lack of coffee shops in every town (at least we finally have a Starbucks now)
Movie theaters that post different movies than the ones they are actually showing...

Take me back to the mainland

It is snowing in Langley today. I love when it snows here. The city forgets that it's a city. Kids toboggan down streets. Cars spin around or stay at home, and random people throw snowballs at me. What a day.

I am at the library. My house has high speed internet, but I somehow have no access to any of it. Not even msn. I'm getting tired of not existing. In fact, I hate it. I am sick, I keep waking up with headaches, and my family is crazy. I haven't done any of my homework. I have no plans for the future, and my parents think I'm the most irresponsible person ever.

This has been the worst Christmas break of my life . . .
Except for Luke and Moey.

God is so good through everything
His hand is resting on the fate of the world
I am so thankful for this right now
I am so thankful that I acknowledge him
It truely is my life right now
it makes all my choices and ambitions and sacrifices really real

I want to know him more
That is what the new year must bring


Can you guys all pray for my little brothers
they are being faced with all kinds of huge responsiblities, and reprocussions etc.
pray that wisdom/innoscense be given and encouraged
thankyou

Merry Christmas everybody!!

I have just returned from Mass (and an interesting conversation about why Priests are celibate - man I love debating!) Over the next 30-45 minutes, I am going to finish my Christmas wrapping - talk about last minute, eh?

Lord, I thank You for the all that You have done this year, and in years past. Thank You for the glorious gift of Your one and only Son; we worship and adore Him. We thank You for the continuing presence of Your Holy Spirit in our lives and in the lives of those around us; may You be glorified as He demostrates Your love to the world. We thank You for Your abounding grace and everlasting love; we are not perfect, but as You gave us Your all, we give to You, in return, our all. May Your blessings be known around the world and in our hearts. For Your glory, and in Your name, Amen.


"Adeste fideles, laeti triumphantes,
Venite, venite in Bethlehem.
Natum videte, regem angelorum.
Venite adoremus, Venite adoremus,
Venite adoremus, Dominum."

I'm sick. my throat hurts, so does my head. I'm tired, shaky and dizzy. I just helped my parents get headed on the road to edmonton. Instead of wanting my mom around, I'm glad she's gone. This way I can be sick without having to take care of two adults who don't notice I'm sick. I wish I was taken care of sometimes. I wish I wasn't the only one who made chicken soup and made sure everyone else was okay. As I write, I'm trying to make myself chicken soup. So I can't sleep till its done. And I have to do homework do I can spend quality time with the family. I love other people, but sometimes I think maybe my life has become other people's instead of my own. I know we are to love others, but sometimes it would be really nice to be taken care of.
I'm just feeling sorry for myself today. Hopefully I'll feel better tomorrow

....

I lost my football pool in the semi finals
it was the worst showing for my team all year

if I had made the finals this week
I would have won
with the massive score of 150.75
Andrew, you know how huge that is
but whatever, it seems like I will not be bringing back the trophy this year
maybe next year gents

other fantasy football news
We are looking to change our franchise players from 1 to 2
and impose another coexistant tentative league that if more challenging would take over as the serious league next year
these are huge days in the board rooms of Fantasy Football
and I thought yall would want to know

I really like thinking and praying about and for you guys

Welcome back Dan.

Thanks for all your thoughts and prayers while I was sick you guys.
Special thanks goes to Mom in P.G. (I ate plenty of chicken soup).


"Take me there, wherever that is,
Take me there, anywhere.
I'll go."

Aw...Donkers. We're glad you're back!

And yeah, yeah...my day at Ricky's went a lot better than I had supposed. I sometimes tend to fear the worst in situations. Like, it wasn't fun or anything, and most of the time I was wishing I was somewhere else, but...I survived. And it wasn't nearly as bad as it could have been. (though I'm not really looking forward to going back tomorrow)
But thanks if anyone was praying.

I exist once again.

Wow, thanks for all your prayers and thoughtful blogs, even though I couldn't read them until now (I'm at home again). What a crazy week.

My Grandpa was a man that I deeply admired. He had an unbelievalbe sense of purpose. Ministry was his life, even in the two years that he was sick. He was one of my best friends, expecially when I was little. During my high school years, even though I was in BC and he was in Ontario, he inspired me. I knew that no matter what I did, he would still be proud of me. I knew he was praying for me. He had so much wisdom. I want that. He had so much dedication to God. I want that. He had so much joy and fun in life. I want that. He was my favourite. I'm going to miss him.

Thanks again guys. It's good to be home.

Speaking of praying...
Please pray for me tomorrow. I am going back to Ricky's to cover a few shifts so people can have a break. And I am dreading it more than I can begin to say. The job is as supervisor...and I hate supervising!
I don't want to dread it so much...but I do.

Oh yeah, did I mention I get to go Christmas carolling tonight?

Holly - you are so right! Why don't we pray? Seriously.

I'm not at the place I was when I came into bible college a few years back. My dreams and ideals are not quite the same. But, yet...I don't know. I think I needed those dreams to get to where I am now, but I don't think those dreams are going to be fulfilled in the way that I had envisioned. And that's okay. I have different dreams now. Some of them may not appear to be so glamorous as the originals, but life isn't all about glamour all the time. I want to go where God wants...and that's all that matters. Sometimes I get frustrated because I wish I could be as passionate and idealistic as I once was, but a lot of that was probably naive and immature. I still think that God will give me dreams that I can fulfill with passion, but I think it will just be different than I had thought. I'm rambling a little bit now. Yeah, sometimes I get scared that I'll give up my dreams altogether. Like, some of them go against the flow of the way we live in this society. And I don't know how it will all work out. But Jesus says not to worry about tomorrow. So that's kinda where I'm at.

Guys, we don't pray together. Has anyone noticed that lately? We really need to fix that. Cause if we aren't praying together, we're leaving the most important part out. Whaddaya think?

Anyways, church was insane for me today. the part afterwards anyways. my mentor Erv Rolfes kicked my butt. I've realized that there is sooo much about me that you guys don't know. Who i used to be and what i used to love. Its intimidating and sad all at the same time to realize this. Erv looked at me today and told me to stop wussing out. Where was the girl he knew who was so full of spirit and fight? Where did the fight go? Where are those dreams that drove me forward. What about the girl who would spend any chance possible to be with God. I'm not her anymore and he could see it in my eyes. The worst part is that he's so right. He's gentle and kind and never says a word unless he believes it to be necessary. and I know it. He's so right. I need to start talking about my life before you knew me. To see what happened and how to rebuild my desire to follow the heart of God. I spend so much time hiding from him instead of being with him. Ultimately its because i don't want to have to face any of the "failure" that i have felt when I was youth pastoring. You guys all at least know that i was once a youth pastor right? I hope I mentioned that. Anyways, I bet i'm not alone in the needing to be spurred on area. Feel free to respond. Actually, Andrew i kind of feel like i'm responding to your earlier blog. Thanks by the way, its made me think alot. So yeah, what about you guys? Where are you at?

AAAAHHHHGGGGG!!!!! and Bluh.sigh. I might be going crazy.

My cousin and his Dad are competing to be the first Doctor Dubien

hahaha

I did my first catering job tonight.
It wasn't all it's cracked up to be. I catered along with two middle aged ladies who have been waitresses all their lives. We catered for a car auxillary group Christmas party. It was all old people and kids under six. The night was pretty much uneventful. Except for the fact that I worked along with the boss for the first time (he oversaw everything). He is a pretty intimidating guy to begin with. Never says anything unless you speak to him...and he answers very curtly. So the first thing he asked me to do was quite simple. Put water in the metal bins that go under the food. So I filled up the first one with water and brought it to the table, and he just looked at me. I could tell something was wrong. And he was like, "You are holding the lid, you know?" Stupid, stupid, stupid! I had the lid part upside down and filled with water. But oh well...an honest mistake...it could happen to anybody. So I finished filling them up. Shortly after he went to light the warmers below. And he looked at the water and looked at me and was like, "You did fill these up with warm water, right?" Did anyone tell me the water had to be warm??? No. I suppose it is common sense, but I was nervous...first day on the job jitters and all. That thought had not crossed my mind. So he handed me one to refill. And I did that just fine. And I saw him take one to fill too. And I went to fill the third one (so I thought) but it already had food in it. So I left it...thinking all was fine. But not too long after, he went to put food on that third one...the one I thought he had changed the water in. And he looked at me (again)...and was like, "Did you change the water in this one?" And I just cringed inside and answered sweetly, "No...I thought you had." Apparantly he hadn't. But it was too late...the people were all coming to eat. So we just left it and let the warmer heat it up. A few minutes later one of the other caterer girls made a comment asking if the water was heated. And my boss just said a simple "No." I nearly died. I was standing right next to him and wouldn't make eye contact.
Luckily, though...the night is over.

There was one interesting character. A lady. Dressed all in red. Red heels. Red silk pants. Red silk shirt. Red Christmas vest. Even matching red glasses. And then...
HUGE fake gold earrings...like, seriously, they must have been as big as her ears themselves. AND a matching gold necklace like you've never seen before. It was the hugest thing I've ever seen anybody wear around their neck. So big! And it was hanging from, you guessed it, a red rope. For real. A rope.

So my night wasn't as exciting as I had originally hoped. But, hey. There's always some story you can find in every situation...

there are alot of things that really hurt
that make you sad and stuff

to me the saddest is when i see my Dad sad.

Bryan, I have a new on to add to meng. "Bluh". not blah. Bluh seems far more appropriate. Did I mention that I miss you guys?! Good Lord get me through this week!

Big day

Is it possible to de-evolve spiritually? In light of some recent events, I've been looking over old journal entries from when I first got saved (and a little before - quite entertaining, especially the one from the afternoon before I accepted Christ). Anyways, upon perusal of these records, especially the one at S+37 days (sorry I'm a nerd), I realized that I was a whole lot smarter, wiser, and even a more mature (dare I call myself mature?).


"Hey, bird dog get away from my quail,
Hey, bird dog you’re on the wrong trail,
Bird dog you better leave my lovey-dove alone.
Hey, bird dog get away from my chick,
Hey, bird dog you better get away quick,
Bird dog you better find a chicken little of your own."

"Johnny is a joker, that's a'tryin' to steal my baby. He's a birddog."

Dan Donkers

hey... I heard you were going through a pretty hard time
I am really sorry to here that

If you would like to chill some time while you are over here... to get away or whatever
maybe catch a flick
give me a call

519 883 4034

that's my Dads
I will leave another phone when I leave here

I have been thinking about scroge and for the season

his recomendation stands with me

and with that

I would like to consider
the terminator for T2
and Jack Bower

Definitely Scrooge. He's the man. It takes a lot of guts to look into a heart as black as that.

top 5 heros

I nominate Aarogorn
and Wesley "dread pirate roberts"

It's a beautiful day...Don't let it get away

Man, Christmas time is so depressing, and lonely. I have to play my own video games! What ever happened to the lost art of watching pinball?? Oh, what a world, what a world.

Northern life cont'd:
- Hung out with my dad the other night. Had a conversation beginning with: "So Eggy and I ran into Scruffy's girlfriend at the hockey game last night". Breakdown of this sentence -
1. Yes my dad's best buddie's name is Eggy (Short for Egbert)
2. Yes he has a friend named Scruffy
3. Somehow Scruffy has a girlfriend
4. He felt the need to point out that he was at the "hockey" game. Since when does anyone here feel the need to clarify, was I going to confuse the game with cricket? I took this as a sign that Dad thinks I no longer am in touch with my redneck side.
- Earl's (the restraunt) has a focal decoration completly decorated with trees (like a mini forest). Somehow this looks good - seriously it does.
- Starbucks, though superficially identical to its southern counterparts, is not actually similar at all.
1. The workers aren't just friendly to the customers. They actually know them.
2. Picture this - man in suit sitting drinking coffe. Normal? not when he's sitting with a guy in jeans, a plaid jacket and truckers hat. Also, in front of me a guy buys coffee. He is wearing long underwear OVER his jacket with skidoo boots. When I thought of writing this, I realized that most of you wouldn't actually know what these look like. Then I figured I would describe them as mocassins. Then I realized you would probably envision little slippers with beads on the toes. So picture this. They come as high as hooker boots. They are waterproof, bulky and look like they have Cat(the machine) tread on the bottom. Actually, some do.
-Had other conversation with Dad "If you step on the bitch step with your right foot and grab onto the shit handle you'll have an easier time getting in Kid".
1. These are names. Swearing is only contextual. Often regular words just become plain old nouns.
2. The need for dad to even bring this up - he owns a Dodge Ram (2000). Its the size of a small semi.
3. Translation - "bitch step"=running board, shit handles= handles to hang onto when you get in.
Note again - not swearing, only nouns.
- Decorating situation. I had to rearrange the living room to get the tree and stuff to fit properly. This involved moving a stuffed mink - in action hunting stuffed mice. Had to move full size stuffed bear over about 4 inches. took way longer than anything should. Yes I had to move dead animals while decorating for Christmas. My house is a morgue for wild animals. I'm taking pictures so you guys will actually believe me

The night Laura's daddy died.
Na na na, na na na na na!
Brother what a night it really was.
Brother what a night it really ......
Angina's tough.


"Close your brown eyes, and lay down next to me. Close your eyes, lay down."

ps. I miss you too Holly

So I just signed my life away.
I committed to working for this catering company while I am home for Christmas, but they are the slowest, most unorganized people I have ever worked for. I've called them at least five times and still have no sraight answer as to when they need me, except definitely for the weekends. As well when I arrived home I found that my old boss has been calling because he is in a jam and really wants me to work a bit also. I do not want to work there! But me, being the girl who can't say no, called him and told him I would see what worked around my catering schedule. And now they are being so indefinite that I called my other boss back and gave him random days on which I can work. So it seems that for the next two weeks I shall be back at my favorite family restaurant and catering on the days when I am not working there. Am I a smart cookie, or what? But I shall most likely have Christmas eve and Christmas day off. And I told him I was probably going back to the mainland on the 1st (which I think I may try to do) so it will only be two weeks of madness. Aaaaaaahhhhhh!!! Oh, and I will be catering for New Years Eve - that one is a given. So, happy new year to all.

I've only been gone for 6 days and I'm getting snakey and homesick. I miss you guys - alot. No surprise, me being the ever-attached friend. But still, I was thinking I'd be going home for a break. But my mom's stressed, my step-dad is an invalid and its Christmas. That leaves me to cook, clean, wrap, decorate, drive the sickie, feed the stressed one (especially her lunches - since when did I become the mom?). The problem isn't the work, its the attempt at taking initiative and getting things done when those in my care have so much authority over me. I want to tell my parents what to do. But I can't. So while I fill the needs, I'm still being the kid. It makes for a difficult situation. To take charge is patronizing. So I'm left in this slightly subserviant role - though never intentional on their part, I mean absolutely no disrespect. Its just new for all of us. Crazy
Being home makes me reflective. I've been in this weird emotional state for the last couple of days.
Bryan - if you ever try to change your sensitive heart I will cry - weep actually
Slynn - I'm not in the same place as you, but I've learned alot about pain first and second hand. Sometimes second hand is worse because we're on the outside and can't actually help. Like making a sick person more comfortable. We can't make stuff go away, just hopefully ease at least a bit of the pain. Man its a helpless feeling.
Andrew - Damn you and your movie viewing! I wanna see it so bad (I put in poor grammar for your benifit)
Dan - If you get a chance to read this - I love you and hope that things are going okay. Don't feel responsible for making everything be okay. Hug your mom and let her know you love her. If you need to vent or something feel free to email if you get the chance. Anyways, I love you guys lots and am really glad for this site over the holidays. Yay for outside connections. Speaking of, keep you eye out for some new northern updates. Man stuff just gets funnier.

I just back from Return of the King. Want to know how it ends? It's now really late, and I gotta go to work in like 2 hours; my first all-nighter for non school or New Years related activities. Well, just wanted to tell you all that I saw it before any of you. Later.

How do people read my mind so easily?

Blah day. Well, I did a lot it seems...but nothing that really accomplished much. Though I suppose that is not such a bad thing.

Now that I have time, I find I have a lot more on my mind. Or maybe it was always there but no time to express it. There is so much pain and hurt around. I guess my whole 22 years of existence have been blessed and I have not had to experience much pain firsthand. And then this last couple of months it hit me hard. Not me directly...but all around me. It's so much more evident than ever before. I've seen the effects of pain in the lives of people around me - people I love and care about. It is no longer a formula that can be contained. I wrote a philosophy paper on evil. Sure, I can answer the argument. But having an intelligent answer doesn't always help the people who are hurting. I want to help people who are hurting. I believe there is hope. Sometimes it's not so easy to see, but I have to believe it is there.
And don't worry. I'm not super depressed or anything. This has been something long on my mind. Just thought I'd share.

I am awake too early
is it early if you haven't gone to sleep yet?

hmm...
there is alot of snow here and many slushes too
there is alot of coffee around and tim Hortons stew
and now

I want to remain the too freakn sensitive kid that I am, I mean I was thinking about switching personalities with that board (you know the one), but man maybe lifes emotions are the best part

I watched Fight club again(this doesn't mean you need to watch it Sara lynn)(But Brad Pitt is the man), and the thing is, if you don't stop and let the acid burn you... it will just go bye as if not happening. Maybe we shouldn't be those so quick to the cure or antedote, as many even hold it out freely, and instead realize the pain, absolutely. Don't apply this to salvation (Bible college disclaimer).

Dan, Don't give up on your dream!

I think I would rather be and actor than a drummer.

When you come to the edge of all that you know, you must believe in one of two things.
There will be earth on which you stand, or you will be given wings.

Update on northern life:
Today I did yoga on a rug -
a rug that once belonged on the body of a bear.

So tonight I went to a Christmas production.
Not just any Christmas production mind you.
A full blown Pentecostal Christmas production. Complete with a choir wearing reversible red and green vests (man, why don't I own more of those in my wardrobe?), the Christmas show narrators with their cheesy try-to-sound professional voices, a baby Jesus who must have been at least 8 months old, and, of course, the token chubby kid in the front row of the last song who boogied away to the music (yes, I said boogied).
It was good times.

There's something about coffee shops. I mean, it really doesn't make much sense practically. You could make the same quality of coffee from your own home...and pay less for food at a grocery store...and listen to music on your own sterio...and hang out with your friends in your living room.
But that's not quite - uh - right.
It intrigues me. How people of the same generation gather, for the same purpose of sitting in a coffee shop drinking caramel lattes, listening to music, and just...being together.
I suppose it's the same kind of thing you'd find in a bar.
I watched a bit of Swing Kids yesterday. The same sort of thing went on there. Except their music was a bit different. And they danced instead of sat around.
I just find it interesting that our generation has chosen the coffee shop. I like it.

a view into life in the north:
I flew into P.G yesterday morning, over the skinny green trees and naked birches. The rural houses with unused acres of land looked lonely. Leaving the plane, I got bit by the dry cold, and the wind blew snow onto my bare hands making them wet by the time I walked inside. My mom was there smiling, all classy winter styled. She took me to Earls (our tradition) then home where I promptly slept for hours. My invalid step-father watched Animal Planet all day. He's got a broken leg/infection/odd rash. He's in rough shape.

So this morning I took him to the hospital, for his daily iv drip and bandage change (he has 2 big holes in his leg to let the poison out). It was a weird feeling, me driving his F150(the Honda Civic of the north) with him in the passenger seat. I had forgotten how big the vehicles are here. Then we went to get a new prescription for him in the worst parking lot in town. It was designed in Vancouver to fit as many cars as possible. Unfortunately, no one actually owns cars, so the boxes of trucks stick out making it impossible for more than one truck to drive by and parking almost undo-able. In the store I passed by girls from highschool and their little children, but no wedding rings.

After we came home and I had cooked the crippled his lunch, Dale Bull came over. Dale is one of the many people who are involved in my life, but i'm never sure how exactly. The thing is, when you know people up here, you don't really have the option of only being an acquantance. Dale went to my church, is friends with my step dad, is married to my mom's friend- who is a girl that i went to highschool's sister. They are also our next door neighbours. On the other side is her little sister. They all still go to our church, where I grew up with the girls. I also was Dale's son's youthpastor - Dale Jr. Anyways,He came in complaining about the roads and that Gordon's truck lost its power steering on the way. That's right, he was in Fort St. John bringing back Gordon's truck. Then he vented that the cabinet guy got to work at 4 in the morning. Yeah, he helps my step-dad build houses. Then Gordon gave him tickets to the next game (hockey, obviously) that we aren't going to use.

Tomorrow I'm going to church, where I will see other people like Dale who have been involved in my life in many little ways. Here you don't say how you know people (from work, school etc) because you just know them (work and school and church) through so many ways. Life here is simple

I wish you guys could experience this place. Its ruggedly charming. You would understand me and my bluntness so much better. People here are so raw and honest. I hope my newfound southern sensitivity won't be a problem.

I watched "Average Joe" for 2 hours yesterday. I was cheering for Adam, the "average" guy. I had to. I wanted to believe . . . to believe that an awkward and unassuming guy could win the heart of a beautiful maiden. He had to win!

But alas . . .
He lost.

She went for the "cool" guy with the looks and all the right moves. It was understandable. She liked him better. But still. She totally liked Adam. In the end I think he was too safe. He wasn't the risky one, the dangerous choice. Bah! She won't stay with that other guy, and Adam will find this amazing girl.
I have to believe that.
It's all on the line for the average guys here!

When I was a kid thinking about my life in the future, I never would have imagined it turning out the way it is now. But now that I’m here, I can’t imagine it being any different. I wouldn’t want it to be. I love the way things are – despite the hard times that have, and will, inevitably come. So how come, when thinking about the rest of my life, I figure I need to have it all planned out? The chances that it will happen the way I expect are slim. It would be like me actually becoming a detective like I wanted to in grade 5. So here is me getting rid of all stress and worry about the future. We’ll see how it goes.

On another note, I think I am way too much of an emotional writer. I could probably be lot better if I wasn’t. Maybe that’s why I find philosophy exams so hard. Oh…

(yes…and this is me procrastinating from studying)

Life.
What even is it all about?
Being born and dying.
Building and tearing down.
Destroying and healing.
Weeping and laughing.
Mourning and dancing.
Embracing and letting go.
Searching and giving up.
Tearing and mending.
Speaking and being silent.
Loving and hating.

I don't know what to think anymore. The world certainly isn't the ideal place I used to believe. But neither is it wholly bad. There's a lot of tough stuff. But in the midst of every situation is a glimmer of hope. That's what keeps things going, I think.

I don't know where my life is headed. But one thing has become crystal clear this semester. People hurt. And above anything else that I want to do...I want to help those people who hurt. Not physically, but emotionally and spiritually. This is what truly tugs at my heart.

It's funny. I was telling my mom this. And she was not surprised in the least. I mean, this is a new revelation for me! Never once when I was little did I say anything like, "I want to be a counsellor." Or, "I want to do social work." But my mom said this is the direction she's always thought I was headed. Moms. How do they do it?

Love actually is all around.
Sometimes you just need to look a little further.

I wish I was the last Samurai.

I've been listening to so much Limozeen lately. It's crazy. It's like I'm rediscovering obscure 80's hair metal with some kind of twisted passion. I especially like their Thanksgiving album. I mean, what band puts out a Thanksgiving album? So good! Anyways, next week I think I'll start listening to Bruce Springsteen. Or Stryper.

I'm the coolest music snob you've ever met . . .

I feel the need to clarify about my last blog. It was a vent and not intended to worry anyone. Also, it wasn't necessarily directed at anyone who would be involved in our blog. Sometimes I address people directly when I write, even if they aren't going to read it. Its therapeutic. The point was that I was hurt (emotionally) by someone who I felt taken advantage of. I'm unsure how to deal directly with being manipulated by a friend I love. Its definitely not a hopeless case or anything like that. I was just hoping that by writing stuff out that I might find something helpful. I'm really sorry if I worried anybody.

I found out some stuff about a friend today. Bad stuff. It doesn't affect me directly (well kind of does), yet I feel hurt. His motivation towards friendships in general are in question because of it. I am attempting to keep this vague, so don't expect details. They aren't important anyways. What is important is my response.
I think the problem comes out of a misunderstanding. A belief that manipulation is okay. In fact necessary to keep relationship. The problem is that manipulation is not a foundation to build a relationships, but the tool used to break them down. I'm not stupid. Though I believe this has been well established I still feel the need to reiterate this fact. I have a lot of God given insight. When I am manipulated, I see it. Just because I see it doesn't mean I show that I do. When I am generous or compassionate it is because I love. I am not given to pacifying for the sake of making people happy. I don't like feeling as though a friend might think that they have the ability to manouver me into doing things they want. I don't need to be manouvered. If I'm asked I'll do it all the same. I don't like feeling taken advantage of because someone believes themselves to be inconspicuous manipulators. I am not a pawn to be moved with human hands (side note: I was learning chess today - I liked it). God is my motivation. I do not unwittingly treat people well. I purposefully love. I knew this person tried to manipulate, I just hadn't realized that they were so aware and strategic in it. It was their awareness and strategy that I found out today. It hurts because it's disrespectful and evidence that they believe themselves to be better/smarter than me. The fact is none of that matters. God gives us the mind he chooses. He gives us the body/everything he chooses. How we use these things is a great responsibility. Shame on us for using them selfishly and thinking we created ourselves. So friend, know this:
I love you because I love you.
Not because you make me

Tonight I want to curl up into a little ball and die.
Did you ever notice that everyone wants to curl up into a ball to die. No one says, "I just want to stretch out and die," or "I just felt like bending over and dying!" I think curling up in a ball is comforting.
Man, I don't care about school anymore. Not at all. I want to beat this semester, but right now it owns me. Yeah. I have hard decisions to make. Lots of them. And they won't go away.
Pray for me.

To Dan:

(yourmom)